Help for Relationships affected by Neurodiversity
When a flower doesn't bloom you fix the environment , not the flower. Alexander Den Heijer.
I specialise in helping relationships affected by neurodiversity ( Autism Spectrum Disorder and adhd/add), having completed couples training with Tony Attwood the world's leading authority on Autism spectrum disorder. Autism is a 'social communication disorder' that hugely impairs reading of social cues, and emotions. This presents itself in many different and challenging ways within relationships.
Research suggests that the divorce rate for neurodiverse marraiges stands at 85%. I have no doubt that the couples that make up this figure did not enter counselling specifically tailored to support the challenges that can arise in neurodiverse relationships. With the right tools, understanding and support neurodiverse relationships can thrive. Unfortunately many people are unaware of their neurodiversity which brings another layer of complexity to the situation. If you suspect you or your partner might be neurodiverse have a look at some of the symptoms below to see if they resonate.
Autism Spectrum Disorder (asd)
Autism spectrum disorder (ASD) is a complex developmental condition involving persistent challenges with social communication, restricted interests and repetitive behaviour. It is a spectrum disorder, so the degree of impairment varies widely from individual to individual. ASD can provide particular challenges within romantic relationships, often complicated by the fact that a large percentage of individuals with ASD are not aware that they have the condition. They are often aware of challenges that they face and behavioural 'quirks', but have gone through life with the condition unrecognised. Autism can also present very differently in men and women, with women learning from a young age to heavily mask the condition.
Unfortunately Autism also comes with a negative stigma, with emphasis on the disabilities that the condition presents and very little said of the very many strengths that Autistic individuals have. Strengths such as a super creativity, focus, memory, and attention to detail, the ability to think outside the box, mathematical, artistic,musical, mechanical and technical abilities. Often with interests in niche areas, and personal qualities such as honesty, loyalty and dedication.
Focusing on these strengths is very important as many neurodiverse individuals suffer with very low self esteem often regardless of their great life achievements.
The problems that may arise if an individual within the relationship is suffering from ASD might include -
- Sensory hypersensitivity e.g. aversion to bright lights, certain smells, food textures, noise sensitivity, or sensitivity to being touched.
- A struggle with intimacy and expressing feelings and emotions
- Inflexible black or white thinking / getting stuck on specific detail and failing to see the bigger picture
- Difficulty reading their own and other's emotions
- Decreased sharing of interests with others
- Having a very keen interest in certain subjects or activities
- Difficulty tolerating change
- Overwhelm presenting with either explosive outbursts or shutdown and withdrawal
- Often highly sensitive to criticism due to a low self-esteem
- Can often read criticism where there was none given
- Liking to plan things carefully before doing them.
- Difficulty making small talk
- Requires alone time to recharge
- Acute Rejection sensitivity
- Can be inflexible and rigid in their thinking
- Difficulty reading non-verbal communication, such as body language, facial expressions or tone or voice
- Anxiety around social situations, especially in large gatherings or unfamiliar settings
- Difficulty holding conversations if their is background noise
- Struggles with emotionally charged situations and events, birthdays and present giving, anniversaries etc
- Difficulty making friends, and preferring to spend time alone ( but can also be socially motivated)
- Workaholism - imbalanced work/life balance
- Taking things literally, may not understand sarcasm
- Seeming blunt, rude or not interested in others without meaning to
- Finds making eye contact stressful and uncomfortable
- Not understanding social 'rules' such as not talking over people, or waiting their turn to speak
- Can suffer with anxiety and depression or ocd.
- Unusual sleeping or eating habits
- Can act inappropriately in social situations or at the other extreme can
- Be overly worried about what ohers think of them, overthinking what they have said or done socially after the event
- Feels emotions so strongly can get easily overwhelmed
- Natural lean towards practical and logical thinking rather than emotional thinking
- Can be highly sexual or conversely have very little interest in sex at all
- A dislike of spontaneity or surprises
- The Autistic brain can excel at recognising patterns
Individuals with ASD are often very intelligent and highly successful in their career. It is important to realise that no two people with ASD will present with the same symptoms, as each individual is affected differently. There are lots of myths and misconceptions surrounding Autism, so it is very important to arm yourselves with as much accurate information as possible - for instance it is thought that most individuals with ASD are introverted but many autistic individuals are highly social. ASD can present very differently often with individuals falling either at one end of the spectrum or the other in certain areas. So for examples some autistic individuals are intensely worried about how they are perceived by others, while others are unaware about how they come across to others. Some will be very noise sensitive and others will require loud noise to concentrate. Some Autistic individuals are highly sexual while others have very little interest in sex. Some Autistic individuals need and crave a great deal of physical touch and intimacy while others struggle with intimacy and don't like being hugged, touched or holding hands.
ASD can show up differently in men and women, with women often learning to heavily mask symptoms making it more difficult to diagnose. The main difficulty posed in a non-spectrum/spectrum relationship is that both speak different languages, leading to a great deal of miscommunication and hurt feelings. Alexithymia ( meaning no words for feelings) which often comes alongside ASD may further complicate the picture, as it makes it difficult to read and vocalise emotions, which can create a barrier to emotional intimacy. The picture can be further complicated if adhd is also present which it is in over 50 percent of Autistic individuals. An individual with both Asd and adhd might be impulsive, crave spontinaity and dislike routine which runs contrary to most autistic individuals that don't have adhd.
How can counselling help your marriage?
You will learn tools to effectively communicate so that both sides feel heard and understood
You will learn tools to improve your emotional connection
You will learn skills to improve your physical intimacy
You will learn to better understand each other needs within the relationship, and how to best meet these needs.
You will learn an in-depth knowledge and understanding of ASD and how it is effecting your relationship, because knowledge is power
You will learn how to adapt your living environment to accommodate any sensory sensitivities
You will learn conflict resolution that minimises explosive arguments or emotional withdrawal
With help and support non-spectrum/spectrum relationships can be thoroughly rewarding and successful - with knowledge and patience the key to success.
ADHD/ADD
I also work with many couples where one or both are effected by ADHD/ADD. ADHD is another under diagnosed condition that can cause difficulties in romantic relationships. Below is a list of a few of the problems that this condition may cause - Emotional dysregulation - easily angered especially when criticised or overwhelmed
- Rapidly fluctuating moods
- Hyper focusing on topics of interest
- Inability to focus if the topic does not interest them
- Impulsivity - making big spur of the moment purchases or decisions
- Trouble making decisions ( can suffer with over researching resulting in analysis paralysis )
- Forgetfulness
- Trouble staying focused during conversations, often interrupting or talking over the other person
- Time blindness/ poor time keeping
- Poor executive function skills( The inability to plan, focus attention, remember instructions, manage time)
- Procrastination especially for tasks that they are not interested in - paying bills, tax returns etc.
- Many ideas but problem with follow through
- Lack of attention to detail
- Often on the go all the time as if driven by a motor
- Struggle to switch off a busy mind and to be peaceful
- Internal and external restlessness and easily bored ( may present in fidgeting or leg jigging )
- Sleep problems
- Can cause addiction issues - alcohol, caffeine, nicotine, drugs, computer gaming, sugar, shopping, work.
- Impatience, trouble waiting turn in conversation, road rage, difficulty waiting in a queue.
- Acute rejection sensitivity, feels physically painful when rejected or criticised
- Bluntness, often speaking before thinking
- anxiety
Overwhelm
Overwhelm is regularly present with both ADHD and ASD - with individuals constantly struggling with stress and anxiety. This stress and anxiety often overflows into their relationship with both partners ending up negatively effected.
Sensory processing disorder can be found in both asd and adhd, and shows up with a sensitivity to noise, strong smells, bright light, touch, food textures, the feel of clothing. Busy places can cause sensory overload - places such as theme parks, shopping centres or restaurants.
Both conditions can also come alongside anxiety, depression or OCD.
Adhd causes problems both for the person suffering with the disorder and also for their partner. The neurotypical partner often feels lonely, ignored, let down and under appreciated. Struggle with follow through can mean that partners feel they are carrying the majority of the responsibility within the relationship. Feeling like the relationship follows a parent-child dynamic. While the person with ADHD feels that they are constantly being micromanaged and criticised, feeling like they can never do anything right. Rows can be explosive with partners feeling like they have to walk on egg shells to keep the peace.
Couples counselling can help end the destructive cycle of push-pull that develops in these relationships. You will learn communication tools that will help keep both sides calm and feeling heard.
You will learn a greater understanding of the disorder so that you can structure your life in a way that better supports both your needs.
You will learn how to structure your time and so that both individuals feel supported.
You will learn how to improve your emotional intimacy.
You will learn how to rebuild trust in one another.
The individual with adhd will learn tools to self sooth and to better control their emotions and responses
Neurodiversity when well understood and supported can bring an exciting dynamic to romantic relations, however sadly too many couples are unsupported with these conditions with misunderstanding and destructive cycles that will often lead to the break down of the relationship. Often when I see neurodiverse relationships they have entered total crisis.
Do not let this happen to you, much can be done to enhance and improve your understanding of one another, with many couples that I see learning how to design a relationship that is both fulfilling and rewarding. Information is power with these disorders, working together I can give you the tools and knowledge to move your relationship forward feeling better connected and understood. A Double Empathy problem exists within neurodiverse relationships. It is not only that the neurodiverse individual struggles to empathise with the neurotypical partner but likewise the neurotypical partner fails to understand the lived experience of the neurodiverse partner. Both need to learn to approach each other with curiosity rather than blame and shame, and kindness and compassion rather than critisism.
The autism / adhd Relationship
This partnership can be particularly challenging, causing it's own unique set of difficulies and needs it's own very particular set of tools. The difficulties that can present in this partnership are - The autistic partner is triggered by the often chaotic, unstructured lifestyle of the adhd partner
- Both can be blunt and unfiltered coupled with both being particularly sensitive to critism, a very challenging combination!
- One loves routine, the other loves spontaneity
- Both can get easily overwhelmed and irritable
- The acute anxiety of autism can sometimes create a need to control their environment however ...
- adhd individuals hate to feel controlled ! another difficult combination
- adhd partners often particularly crave emotional connection which can be a struggle for the autistic partner
- Autistic individuals can often struggle with their adhd partners often disorganised finances
- Both feel things very strongly which can lead to firmly holding their positions in arguments which can be a barrier to resolutions being found
- workaholism can be a problem for one of both partners
- A low self esteem is usually a problem for both partners
- Both can struggle with indecision
- Addictions can be a problem for one or both
Obviously both conditions operate within a spectrum so each adhd/asd partnership will present with their own unique set of problems, which is what makes it such a fascinating puzzle to solve. Neurodiverse brains are amazing in their complexities, but with the right tools magic can happen. So often the couples I see have reached a stage of feeling hopeless and helpless in their cyclical arguments and entrenched positions but so much can be done to create a loving and fulfilling relationship.
Neurodiversity specific couples therapy can offer
A clear understanding of how your neurodiversity affects you
A clear understanding of how your neurodiversity affects your partner
A clear understanding of your partner's neurodiversity
A clear understanding of how you are affected by your partner's neurodiversity
Tools to learn curiosity instead of blame, patience instead of frustration when navigating each other's neurodiversity
A specific communication tool formulated to particularly help this partnership reach mutually agreeable conclusions
Life design to support both neurodiversities
Tools to improve emotional and physical connection
Tools to help sooth emotional dysregulation and overwhelm
Many couples that come to see me have been unsuccessful with one or more previous therapists. Couples therapy can be a very negative experience for neurodiverse couples if the therapist does not fully understand neurodiversity. I am experienced in helping neurodiverse individuals feel safe and heard. Neurodiverse individuals can really struggle with the idea of counselling so I am very happy to answer any questions you might have about the process and how the environment can be best adapted to meet your particular needs and make the process as positive an experience as possible.
Feel free to contact me via telephone or email with any questions you might have.
